Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Preacher's Kid entry #4

Betsy Wingate - wife to Pastor Wingate

My happiest memory is the day Jacob was born.  He lit up the room and filled an empty space in my heart.
The saddest memory is when my mother died.  She had been my friend and my confidant.  When I was feeling stressed in my marriage she could help me see things clearly.  Now I have no one.  At times I feel so alone.  I know Jacob sees this and tries to help but that usually gets him in trouble with his father.

One thing I don't want anyone to know is that at times I actually fear my husband.  He's never hit me.  Verbally at times he is awful and I sometimes fear he will go too far when disciplining Jacob.

The best part of my personality is my ability to be a peace maker.  Except in my own home.  However this is also a disability as I often get walked on by others.

I'm not very mechanically inclined.  I can't make simple repairs around the house.  This is good because Dan doesn't want me to do anything like that.  He sees it as a "mans" job and is afraid of what his congregation will say if they find out I fixed something instead of him.

For someone who is 38 I think they would say I look young and stylish, well fit.  Part of this is because my husband expects me to be that way.  He constantly complains if I have a wrinkle in my clothes or gain a couple of pounds.

The only thing that really bugs me is that everyone comes before Jacob and myself.  I believe in serving God, but I don't think that means putting everyone elses family before ours.

I am afraid of being alone.  I'm afraid of losing my son and at times, I'm afraid of my husband.

I am proud of my house.  You could say it looks like something out of one of those women's magazines.  It is simple, neat and clean.  Danile let me decorate it so I did it in blues and yellows to brighten up the white walls.  My furniture is simple and functional.  Nothing fancy because Daniel doesn't want people to get the wrong idea.  Our living room has a couch and three chairs and a coffee table with a wall of book shelves that are full of books.  There is no T.V. in that room.  Daniel wants us to read.d We do have a T.V. in the den.  The den has a small loveseat and two small chairs with a 19" TV.  I think he got a small one to discourage watching it.  Our bedrooms are small and functional with a bed, dresser and a chair for laying clothes out on.  Jacobs room has no posters or anything.  His father discourages it saying it is placing people in the position of idols.  I think that is why he doesn't bring anyone home.

When I look in the mirror I see someone who feels trapped in a marriage that could be so good but has gone so wrong.  I'm not saying I want out, I want it fixed.

The most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me was learning my husband yanked Jacob away from his friends and verbally lashed him because he'd been with a group of kids who'd stolen cigarettes.  Someone told Danile that Jacob had done it.  Daniel denied it, the other boys stood up for him and took the blame for all of it and it didn't matter.  In Daniel's eyes, Jacob had been accused by a member of the church and guilty or not he was guilty by association, end of story.

I think I would like to live in the country with a wrap around porch way out away from the church  I would want to decorate it the way I wanted with no one to judge me.  I'd have a Persian cat for a pet because I love cats.  The only thing that I would want more than anything else in the world, would be a happy family life where Jacob and I feel like we fit in and are welcome.  Right now we feel like we are eye candy for the preacher.

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