Preachers Kid Entry #6

Frankie Bonita - Tanya's brother

My happiest memory is the day my dad took me fishing for the first time.  I was about 7 at the time and we got up real early.  Mom fixed us pancakes so we wouldn't be hungry.  Dad had taken  off work just so we could go fishing.  I had never fished before so dad showed me how to bait my hook.  I caught a small white fish.  It was so small I had to throw it back.  Dad took a picture of me holding that fish before I threw it back.  He just kept telling me how proud he was of me.  My saddest memory is the day I got suspended.  I saw the disappointment in my dad's eyes.  I hurt him so much that he stopped talking to me.  I don't think he'll ever be proud of me again.

Everyone thinks I'm a bad boy, party animal.  I'm not.  I'll drink the occasional beer with the guys I hang out with but I'm really not into the party scene.  I am a very outgoing person so I make friends easily.  I can easily talk people into doing what I want just because I'm "Mr. Sunshine".  However, I'm not very good at communicating with my parents.

My best friend would describe me as someone who has got it together.  I'm 5 ft. 10 with  black wavy hair.  I don't look anything like my sister.

One thing that really bugs me is the way my father won't talk to me.  If I bring friends over he'll chat with them like they are his best friend and act like I'm not even there.  Sometimes I think he wishes I wasn't.

The only thing I'm really afraid of is that I'll screw up so bad my parents will hate me.  it's bad enough now.  I'm not sure I could take much more.  Often I think of suicide.

When I look in the mirror I see someone who tries to act cool and carefree on the outside.  I see someone that has a different face and persona for each of the groups he's with.  But I also see someone who deep down is screaming out to be loved.

The most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me was when I got caught cheating.  I wasn't asking for the answer, I was asking for a formula to help me solve the problem.  I had left my formula sheet at home.  It didn't matter I was talking during a test.  When the teacher started yelling at me I was so embarrassed I just reacted.  I dumped my desk over trying to get up real quick so I could leave the room.  He told the principal that I got violent and threw my desk.  he's the teacher so everyone believed him.  I couldn't believe that none of my friends stood up for me.  Some friends huh?

I really don't have an ideal home or place to live.  I don't want any pets.  That's something else for me to take care of an my plate is full right now.

If I could have any talent, it would be the gift of art.  I sketch sometimes, especially when I'm upset.  I used to like to paint, but that was when my dad encouraged me.  Not much reason to paint now.

I think the one thing I want more than anything else is to feel forgiven and loved.  I don't think I'm ever going to find that.